


A Distant Heart

by PoThangFanfic



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoThangFanfic/pseuds/PoThangFanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Daniel have an argument - and Daniel asks someone who knows Jack well for advice<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	A Distant Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MorrPhyc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorrPhyc/gifts).



> Author's Note: Skaara was never revived. As far as this fic is concerned, Jack shot him and he was dead. Permanently.
> 
> Disclaimer: They belong to someone else. I wish they were mine, but I don't  
> see that wish coming true anytime soon.
> 
> This written back in February of 2005. 
> 
> Author's note: This is my first Stargate SG-1 fic and one of the few slash  
> fics that I've ever written. Feedback is great, but constructive criticism  
> is good too. Send flames if you like - as least I'll know someone's reading  
> it. *BG*
> 
> Author's thanks: Thanks to Morr for beta'ing this thing for me; any and all  
> mistakes are, of course, mine. Thanks to Kerrie for giving me the idea of  
> the opening scene. And, last but not least, thanks to both of them for  
> introducing me to the joys of slashfic in general and this pairing in  
> particular.

The early fall sun warmed his face as he stood on the front lawn and gazed at the house; it was good to be home after being away for so long. He couldn't wait to see Sara and Charlie.

He walked into the house and let out a mild oath when he stumbled over Charlie's backpack lying on the floor. His son's name tumbled from his lip with a sigh as he bent down to pick it up. It was apparently time for another talk about properly stowing your gear. As Jack stood up, the top flap of the pack opened and out spilled pictures of Skaara, hundreds of them, covering the floor with the bright smiling face of the Abydos youth.  
A small part of his mind knew that something was wrong with this, but he only had a moment to consider it before he heard Charlie's laugh coming from upstairs.

Jack turned to go find his boy; smiling as he started up the stairs, shaking off the unease that had filled him moments before. Suddenly the laughter turned to sobs of grief and his hand immediately went to his weapon only to find it was not there. The earlier unease turned into full-blown panic and spurred him on as he took the stairs two-at-a-time towards his son's room, calling out Sara's name in barely-controlled fear. Skidding to a halt in front of the closed door he reached out for the knob as a gunshot rang out from inside the room.

"Charlie --" Jack sat up in bed, shivering from emotions the nightmare had dredged up. "Shit." He wiped cold sweat from his face as he eased his way out of bed and slowly went into the bathroom on unsteady legs. He shut the door before turning on the light so as not to disturb Daniel, and sat down on the edge of the tub.

When he could control his trembling, he pulled on a pair of sweats that had been left in the bathroom earlier and quietly headed up to the roof.

***

Daniel reached across the bed as he opened his eyes. Feeling cold sheets beneath his hand he rose up on one arm and looked around the darkened room. "Jack?" The illumination of the moon through the window showed that he was alone.

Daniel sighed. This was the fourth night in a row that he'd woken up to find Jack wasn't in bed. He'd held his counsel up until now because he knew this was a rough time for his partner, but Jack couldn't keep shutting him out.

He climbed out of the bed and shivered. It didn't matter how warm the night was, he was always cold if he got up in the middle of the night. Walking out of the bedroom, yawning widely and scratching his head he called for his missing partner.

He finally realized where Jack had to be so he pulled on a tee shirt and climbed the stairs up to the roof where the telescope was set up. 

"Jack?" Daniel stepped up onto the roof and saw Jack sitting by the telescope. "What are you doing up here?"

"I couldn't sleep." Jack's gaze never left the midnight sky.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Daniel eased closer, not sure of what was going on, but knowing that Jack was anything but fine.

"I'm fine, Daniel," Jack reiterated, irritation threading through his voice.

"Then you'll be coming back to bed?" Daniel was undeterred by the frustration he heard in his lover's words.

"Not right now." Jack looked through the eyepiece of the telescope and then adjusted it with tight, jerky movements.

"You wanna tell me what's going on?" Jack was refusing to look at Daniel and that worried the younger man more than he wanted to admit.

"It's not your concern, Daniel." He finally looked at Daniel, his expression carefully blank.

Oh, and didn't that hurt more than just a little, Daniel thought as he swallowed hard and pushed the pain down. "When something is bothering you then it *is* my concern."

"You can't fix this, Daniel, you can't make it all better. Please, just leave me alone for a little while, okay?" Jack turned away again, trying to ignore the pain he saw in his lover's eyes.

Daniel knew from experience that when Jack took that tone pushing him only made things worse, so he left him alone. But the haunted look in Jack's eyes meant that he couldn't leave him alone for much longer.

***

By the time Daniel woke up the next morning, Jack was gone.

Daniel caught up with him at SGC command. "Are you okay?"

Jack was saved from answering by General Hammond requesting everyone's attention. "I've read your reports about P337S9 and I agree that it appears the Goa'uld have used this planet as a base at one time. What I want Dr. Jackson and Major Carter to do is find out what they could have found useful there and can we do the same?" He nodded to the Jaffa sitting quietly at the other end of the table. "Teal'c, is it possible the Goa'uld might return?"

"It is unlikely, General Hammond; once the Goa'uld abandon a planet, it is improbable they would return. We should, however, be extremely cautious as the Goa'uld have been known to sabotage that which they no longer need." 

"We'll send SG-9 through the gate to do a thorough reconnaissance of the area before Dr. Jackson and Major Carter begin their analysis."

"What are we doing in the meantime, General?" Jack asked.

"I'm putting SG-1 on standby for the time being, Colonel." Hammond looked at Jack. "I think you all could use a little downtime, don't you?"

Jack stiffened at the careful words and Daniel wondered at the compassion he saw in the normally stoic general's eyes. It suddenly occurred to him that General Hammond knew about Charlie. He would have read Jack's file before he brought him into the SGC again and there's no doubt that that information would have been in it.

"If you say so, General," Jack finally answered.

"I do, Jack." Hammond looked at the others. "Dismissed until 0800 Friday morning." He walked out of the room without a backward glance.

Daniel waited until the others left the briefing room before approaching Jack. He knew that he and Jack needed to talk about the night before, but he also knew that the Mountain wasn't the place. 

"I'll see you at home." Daniel's statement was quiet, but unequivocal. He wouldn't be put off again.

Jack nodded and left without another word.

***

Daniel arrived back at the house in exactly thirty minutes and immediately went to find Jack. He found him sitting out on the patio.

"You wanna tell me what last night was all about, Jack?" Daniel asked without preamble, not bothering to try and keep the worry out of his voice.

"Not really, Daniel, but you're not going to leave me alone unless I do, are you?" Jack's tone was chilly. He looked at Daniel. "Well, sit down, for God's sake. This is your house too."

Daniel sat down and silently stared at Jack.

"Today is an anniversary of sorts." Jack lifted the glass he held in his hand in a mock salute.

Daniel saw the amber liquid and began to worry even more. Jack wasn't a teetotaler by any stretch of the imagination, but there was a quiet desperation in his words that made the presence of alcohol a worrisome prospect. "What anniversary," Daniel asked carefully; afraid that he knew exactly what Jack was talking about.

"The kind of anniversary that lets us relive our fuckups," Jack said, anger and self-disgust dripping from his words.

"Jack?" Daniel reached out to touch his lover, but Jack pulled away and abruptly stood.

"I'm talking about my son, Daniel." Jack said sharply. "You know, Charlie?"

Daniel slowly got to his feet. "Yeah, Jack, I know who Charlie was."

"But do you know this is the day he died." Jack paused for a moment. "No, he didn't just die, he shot himself -- with *my* goddamned gun!" Jack slapped his chest viciously.

"Jack, I know how Charlie died." Daniel reached for Jack again and, once again, Jack moved beyond his grasp.

"Do you know what else today is?" Jack turned to Daniel and the younger man was stunned to see tears shimmering in Jack's eyes. Daniel shook his head.

"This is the day that I shot Skaara on that fucking Goa'uld mothership." Jack gave a harsh, humorless chuckle. "How's that for irony, huh? I managed to kill my son and the kid that acted like my son on the same day." He threw his arms out wide. "Damn, when I do something, I do it right, don't I?" He swallowed hard and forced back the bile that threatened to choke him.

"Jack, please." Daniel didn't know what he was pleading for, but he could see the man he loved coming apart at the seams and he didn't know how to stop it.

"Please what, Danny? Don't have murdered them? I'd love to oblige you, but I'm afraid that just a little beyond me." Bitterness coated each word. 

"You didn't murder them, Jack." Daniel desperately searched for the right words.

"Then what was it, huh? Tell me what else you'd call it? I put the gun in Charlie's hand and I put two bullets in Skaara." Jack sucked in a deep breath and fought for control.

"Charlie was an accident, Jack, you know that. And Skaara," Daniel stumbled over the name and fought for his own composure. "Skaara was already gone. You were forced to do what you did to save my life." Daniel drew in a steadying breath.

"We don't know that he was already gone! After all, weren't you the one that said something of the host remains?" Jack asked bitterly before he suddenly spun and threw his glass against the side of the house. 

Daniel flinched at both his lover's words and the sound of shattering glass and watched the liquid slide down the brick before turning back. "Jack," he began, but he was talking to himself - Jack was no longer there.

***

Daniel searched the house until he found Jack in the bedroom - with an open suitcase on the bed. "What are you doing??" he asked quietly.

"What does it look like?" Jack looked at the suitcase and decided he didn't feel like packing a damn thing, he just needed to leave.

"Please talk to me," Daniel pleaded softly.

"No." Jack strode towards the bedroom door.

Daniel stood there for a moment, shock holding him frozen to the spot. Suddenly, he was moving, grabbing Jack's arm and spinning him around.

Jack checked his swing just in time to keep from putting Daniel on the floor.

"You want to hit me?" Daniel asked heatedly, his frustration causing him lash out in a way that was totally foreign to him. "Go ahead; take a swing, 'cause I gotta tell ya, Jack, I'm thinking about decking you right about now." He ran a trembling hand through his hair as he tried to read the inscrutable expression on Jack's face. "You're just going to walk out? Just like that? Tell me that you can't talk about it and then just fucking leave!" Daniel began to pace; his anger coming off in waves.

"You need to leave me be, Daniel," Jack responded quietly. "You need to let this whole thing go."

"How can I, Jack?" Daniel stopped pacing and pinned his lover with a hot look. "How can I let it go when it's just one more example of you clamming up when something you don't want to deal with comes along." He sighed. "I thought we'd gotten past this."

"Leave it alone," Jack warned in a low, lethal voice.

"Like you said before, I can't." Daniel stopped himself from moving closer to his lover. He could tell that this was tearing Jack apart, but couldn't make himself touch him because he knew how much it would hurt if Jack pulled away again.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"You need to." Daniel kept his words calm and tamped down on the unease threatening to swamp him.

Jack backed away even further from his lover. "No, I don't. I'm sick and tired of you telling me I need to talk. Nag, nag, nag." He grabbed his cap and jerked it on. "You sound just like Sara. 'Talk to me, Jack' or 'tell me what you're feeling, Jack'." His voice was snide and vicious. "But she couldn't have handled what I had to say or what I was feeling; and neither can you." Jack started to turn towards the door again.

"I can't speak for Sara, Jack, but I know what I want and what I want is for you to talk to me." Daniel watched Jack preparing to leave. "Don't walk out on me, Jack, not this time." The warning was soft, but unmistakable. "Jack, you know I love you, but this habit of walking away when you don't want to talk about something won't work this time. Oh, you don't stay gone long, just long enough for me to let drop whatever you don't want to talk about." He sighed. "But I can't let you do it this time because this is too important - to both of us."

"Why? Are you going to leave me like she did?" Jack asked harshly.

Silence was the only answer he got.

Jack looked as though someone had punched him. "You mean you really won't be here when I get back?" His voice betrayed his disbelief.

"I don't know," Daniel answered softly; the anger that had buoyed him drained away leaving him tired and hurting.

Jack stiffened and his face became a stony mask. "I guess we've all gotta do what we've gotta do, Danny." He turned without another word and walked out the door.

***

Daniel stared at the closed door for a long moment before he could make himself move, not quite believing their argument had come to this. On autopilot, he went into the kitchen and got the broom and dustpan and went outside to clean up the broken glass.

Walking around the house after dumping the broken glass into the garbage, he touched the picture of him and Jack together that Sam had taken at one of their Team outings. It had been an outing in more ways than one that day. Sam had told them that she knew they had become more than just friends. She'd also, over Jack's objections, told them that she would never betray them. When Jack had reminded her that she was putting her career in jeopardy by withholding this information from their superiors, she'd just smiled at him and handed him the picture she'd just taken.

Daniel fought back the tears as he thought of the risks and sacrifices that they'd taken in order to be together. Jack could lose everything that he'd spent his life working for. So could Daniel, for that matter, even though he wasn't technically in the military. Dammit, it couldn't end like this! 

He couldn't stay here; couldn't stay in the house where he and Jack had begun to build a life together. Grabbing his jacket and keys and locking the front door behind him, he sprinted to his car. Daniel climbed into the car and put it in reverse after starting it; tires squealing in his haste to be away.

***

Sara O'Neill shrugged on her jacket and picked up her keys. She was having dinner with her father and was already running late. She opened the door and stopped short at the sight before her.

Daniel Jackson was standing on her doorstep.

"Dr. Jackson?"

Daniel raised his head and looked at the woman before him, surprise flashing across his features. He'd been driving, no particular destination in mind, and he suddenly found himself standing in front of Jack's ex-wife. He wasn't even sure how he'd gotten there, only having been by her house one time when he and Jack had driven past it and Jack had pointed it out to him. 

He looked as though he would excuse himself and leave, but he suddenly seemed to have a better idea. "Answer one question for me, would you?" He continued on before she could say anything. "How in the *hell* did you stay married to him for so damned long?" He brushed past her and entered the house, seemingly unaware of the fact that she hadn't invited him in. 

Sara slowly shut the door and turned to look at the agitated man now pacing her living room. She offered up a silent apology to her father; this was going to take awhile.

"Daniel?" She didn't really know him well enough to call him by his given name, but she had a feeling that he wasn't going to quibble about the niceties right now. She also had a feeling that they were about to get to know each other a lot better. He didn't answer. "Daniel!" This time he looked at her. "Do you want to tell me what's going on? I assume we're talking about Jack?"

"Yeah, we're talking about Jack." Daniel stopped pacing long enough to stare at her in frustration. "We're talking about that hard-headed, close-mouthed, non-communicative jerk." He ran his hand through his already wildly-tousled hair. "How the hell did you get him to talk to you?"

She sidestepped the question. "Do you want to tell me what's going on? What did Jack do now?" The questions held a hint of familiar exasperation until she had a sudden, terrifying thought. "Is something wrong with him?" Her curiosity about why Daniel was in her home was being overridden by concern for her ex-husband.

"Nothing that a swift kick in the ass wouldn't cure," Daniel muttered. "It would serve him right if I did leave," he finished under his breath.

But not quietly enough that she didn't hear him. And everything suddenly clicked into place. The strange vibes she'd gotten off of Jack the day she'd run into him with his teammates and the odd visit today from Daniel. These weren't the ravings of a friend; these were the frustrated outpourings of a lover. She should know, having felt the same thing often enough when she'd been married to Jack. She waited for the moment of shock or disbelief to hit and found nothing but surprise. Jack had always been a passionate man, and a loving man, but he'd never been as homophobic as a lot of his friends in the military. Sara had wondered why until she'd found a letter from an old lover - a male lover.

Sara had asked him about it and he'd said it was just an experimental phase he'd gone through as a kid, but she'd always thought her husband knew himself a lot better than that and just hadn't wanted to tell her out of fear of her reaction. It *had* thrown her a little at first, but she'd accepted it because it was a part of who he was and she loved him. Besides, after she got over the surprise, the only way it would have really bothered  
her was if there had been a possibility that Jack would cheat on her. Their marriage had had to deal with a lot of problems, but adultery had never been one of them.

The surprise she felt had to do with the fact that she never thought that Jack would put his career in jeopardy by getting romantically involved with a man. She also had to admit, at least to herself, that she was a little jealous that Jack had found someone that he cared about so much that he was willing to risk the career that he'd spent his whole life building. Jack had been that for her and she wondered if she'd ever find anything like it again.

"How long have you two been together?" Sara asked, bringing her attention back to the man in front of her and watched with a hint of amusement as the question registered.

Daniel's head whipped around and he suddenly, completely, realized where he was and what he'd just said. He started to edge towards the door. "I'm sorry I barged in here like this." He pointed feebly at the front door. "I'll just leave now."

Sara stepped in front of him, effectively blocking his escape route, her humor abruptly disappearing. "Not just yet, buster. You come into my home, ranting and raving like a lunatic; you're not getting out of here until you tell me what the hell is going on." She crossed her arms across her chest and, with one coolly-raised brow, dared him to defy her.

Daniel weighed his chances of making a clean getaway and found them sadly lacking. He sighed deeply. "Can I have a cup of coffee first?"

She was fully aware he was stalling but nodded and led him into the kitchen.

***

A while later, Daniel was seated at Sara's kitchen table listening to her tell her father that she wouldn't make it for dinner. 

"You know, if I leave now, you could make your dinner date with your father," Daniel offered hopefully.

"My dad is just fine without me," she replied as she replaced the cordless phone on its cradle. "You're not leaving until you tell me what's going on with Jack."

Daniel couldn't help himself. "Why do you care so much? I mean, you're divorced."

Sara gave him a long, steady look. "I couldn't stay married to Jack O'Neill; that doesn't mean I stopped caring about him."

Daniel flushed and broke eye contact.

"Now," she continued, "why don't you tell me what happened and why you showed up at my front door?"

Daniel swallowed hard and decided that he was sitting across from the only person in the world that might understand what he was going through. Maybe, just maybe, she could help.

He was trying to figure out how to tell her what was going on without breaking security clearance when she spoke.

"Just tell me what you can, Daniel." Sara gave him a small, slightly sad smile. "I'm used to not being told everything; I was married to a Special Forces officer, remember?"

Daniel nodded and began to tell her about his relationship with Jack; how it had begun as a friendship and developed into something more.

"One question," she interrupted. "How have you managed to keep your relationship off of the military's radar?"

Daniel shrugged slightly. "We're discreet and Jack has a commanding officer who doesn't ask questions as long as he doesn't have to."

She nodded and gestured for him to continue.

He talked until he came to the fight he and Jack had had. He hesitated when he started to speak about Jack's reaction to the anniversary of Charlie's death.

Pain shadowed her eyes as she realized the reason for his hesitation. "It's okay, Daniel, I know what today's date is as well as Jack does."

"I didn't mean to imply," Daniel began, mortified that she might think he thought she'd forgotten.

She gave him another understanding smile. "It's all right. I'll never get over losing Charlie, but I've come to terms with it." She hesitated. "Well, as much as I ever will I suppose." She inclined her head to him. "Anyway, finish your tale."

Daniel finished telling her about the fight and about Jack walking out the door. His voice broke a bit near the end.

"Who is this Skaara?" she asked after a moment.

Daniel absently corrected her pronunciation as he recovered his equilibrium and answered her question. "He's a young man we met on one of our missions." 

"And Jack shot him to protect you?"

He nodded.

She stood and poured them both another cup of coffee before returning to the table and sitting down. "How was Skaara threatening you if you were all friends?"

"He'd been - brainwashed, I guess you'd say," Daniel replied carefully.

Sara knew she wasn't getting the whole story, but let it slide.

Daniel finally voiced his deepest fear. "What if he doesn't come back?"

"Didn't you say he has to be back on the base in three days?" She poured a bit of milk into her coffee and stirred it thoughtfully.

Daniel nodded.

"Then he'll be back; Jack's never failed in his duty to the Air Force." For the first time, bitterness crept into her voice.

Daniel let out a deep, heart-rending sigh and stared morosely into his coffee cup. "But what if he doesn't come back to *me*?"

Sara reached over and laid her hand on his. "Daniel, we both know that Jack O'Neill is a hard man to love - he's an even harder man to live with." She waited until he looked up and she had his complete attention. "The question is - do you want to make the effort?"

"Yes." The answer was immediate and heartfelt.

"Then don't let him shut you out. Don't leave him." She took a deep breath and admitted something she'd never admitted before. "Don't make the same mistake I did," she finished quietly.

Daniel started at her for a long, quiet moment before nodding once.

Sara released his hand and stood. "Go home, Daniel, and wait for him."

Daniel stood and moved to leave. He paused at the doorway and turned to face her. "Thank you." The words were simple, but the emotion behind them wasn't.

She nodded and watched him leave before slowly sitting back down and pondering when she had become the relationship counselor for her ex-husband's lover. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the chair. She had a pretty good idea where Jack had run to; the question was -- did she want to get any more involved than she already was?

She sighed again and raised her head. Yeah, she'd get deeper because, as she'd told Daniel, just because she couldn't stay married to Jack didn't mean she didn't care about him - and if she could help him then turning away wasn't an option.

She stood, and grabbing her jacket from where she'd thrown it when Daniel had barged in, headed out her front door.

She was going to find Jack O'Neill and make him see what he was throwing away - even if she had to pound it into his thick skull in the process.

***

Sara pulled up beside a truck with military plates let out deep sigh and shut off the engine. Somehow, she'd known that this would be where Jack would bolt to - but she'd really been hoping to be wrong. She really didn't want to be here.

She slowly climbed out of the car and hunched her shoulders against the light rain that had begun falling as she headed to the spot where she knew her ex-husband would be.

"Hello, Jack." Her words were soft as she sat down on the damp stone bench across from his.

"Hello, Sara." Jack didn't even look at her; his attention was on the small headstone in front of him.

"Daniel Jackson came to see me today."

His head came up sharply. "Daniel? Why the hell would he come see you?"

"He's worried about you." Her eyes were drawn to the same headstone that Jack had been looking at. She mentally traced each letter of her little boy's name and the dates that defined his days on this earth. Dates that were obscenely close together.

Jack shrugged and turned away again. "He's got nothing to worry about."

"I think you're wrong." She watched his profile harden. "He's got reason to be concerned about you, Jack, he loves you." Her tone left no doubt about the kind of love she was talking about.

The shock in his eyes would have made her laugh under any other circumstances. "I don't know what you're talking about." When he finally found his voice the words were strained.

"You're lovers." She held up her hand to stop another denial. "He admitted it, Jack." Sara sighed and moved to sit beside him on his bench. She let the silence envelope them for a long moment before she reached out and gently laid her hand over where his rested on his thigh. "Jack, Daniel's worried and he's afraid."

That last word got his attention. "What's he got to be afraid of?"

"He's scared he's going to lose you to your demons." She gently cupped his cheek with her free hand and turned his head so he had to look at her. "Why else do you think he showed up at my door asking for advice?" 

"He shouldn't have bothered you," Jack's eyes dropped away from the compassion in hers.

"Jack, you're going to lose him if you don't talk to him, you know that." The words 'the same way you lost me' were left unsaid as Sara allowed him to pull away from her and stand.

Jack stood for a long, silent moment; his back stiff and unyielding and she was reminded of the fights they'd had before their marriage had ended - fights that had destroyed the part of her that had believed that love could conquer all. She and Jack had loved one another - but in the end, that love hadn't been enough to save their relationship.

"Why do you care?" he asked. "You're my ex-wife, remember?" His voice was low and sad but not accusing in any way. He truly didn't understand why she would care anymore.

Sara took a deep breath as unexpected emotion lanced through her at the pain in his quiet words. She stood and walked over to him and put her hands on his back, ignoring the way he stiffened even more under her touch. "I have always loved you, Jack O'Neill." Her voice caught on his name. "Just because we couldn't stay married doesn't change that."

"We couldn't stay married because I killed our son." The words seemed to be pulled from somewhere deep inside him.

He tried to pull away from her, but she fisted her hands in his wet shirt to keep him from moving. "No, you don't." She put her hands on his shoulder and nudged him around to face her. "What happened to Charlie was an accident, Jack." Two gentle fingers were laid on his lips to stop his interruption. "A heart-breaking," her voice broke and she had to take a deep breath before continuing, "horrendous accident, but an accident all the  
same." Sara watched him struggle with her words, wanting desperately to believe them. She cupped his face between her hands and made him see the truth in her eyes. "Jack, do you honestly believe that I would be standing here, getting soaked," she looked up at the gray sky, "if I thought that you intentionally killed our son?"

He shook his head, confused. "I don't know."

She gently caressed his cheek. "I miss Charlie; I will always miss Charlie," she drew in a deep breath, "but don't use his death as a reason not to be happy again." She wiped away the moisture near the corners of his eyes. "He wouldn't want that; you know he wouldn't."

Jack nodded once and pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her neck, his body shaking in her arms.

Sara held on to her ex-husband and offered a small prayer of thanks. She'd come out here to help him and Daniel and had found something she'd long given up on.

Closure.

No matter what she'd told Jack; there had been a small part of her that hadn't forgiven him for what had happened to Charlie, but for the first time since her son's death, she felt completely at peace with Jack. 

She held on a little tighter.

 

***

Jack slowly released her and leaned back until he could see her face.

"Thank you," he whispered.

She nodded. "Don't you think you need to get home now?"

He nodded and smiled before kissing her on her forehead and turned to leave.

Sara watched his retreating figure through a sheen of tears for a little while before turning to kneel down beside Charlie's grave and brushed away bits of dirt and grass that the wind and rain had blown onto the granite headstone.

She stayed there for a moment longer before slowly rising to her feet. "Good night, baby, I love you." Her words were as soft as the breeze that had taken the place of the earlier storm. Brushing away the moisture on her cheeks she turned to follow the path Jack had taken.

***

Jack pulled up to his house and cut off the engine. He clenched his hands on the steering wheel and wondered how he was going to talk to Daniel. He knew what his partner wanted, but he wasn't sure that he could do it. 

He drew in a deep breath and climbed out of his truck.

***

Daniel opened the door before Jack could get his key in the lock. "You're home." 

Jack eased past him. "Yeah, I'm home."

"Jack, I know you don't want to hear this, but we need to --"

"Talk, yeah, I know," Jack agreed.

"Yeah," Daniel sounded a little confused by Jack's sudden willingness to talk, and Jack couldn't really blame him; not after the shit he'd handed Daniel before he'd left.

Jack took another deep breath. "Look, Daniel, I know you want to know what's going on inside of me and I know I should be able to tell you." Jack shook his head as he began to pace. "Hell, I should be able to tell you anything because there's no one I trust more than you." He dropped into a chair, unmindful of his wet clothes, and put his head in his hands. "But I just don't know if I can." The words were quiet and anguished.

Daniel knelt down beside Jack's chair. "What do you mean?"

Jack raised his head and Daniel was stunned to see tears shimmering in his eyes. "I've spent my whole life having to control what I feel and when I feel it." Jack looked away from his partner and took a deep breath to gain control before continuing. "I've always had to be in control because people's lives depended on it."

"I understand that."

Jack stood abruptly, almost knocking Daniel over. "No, Daniel, you don't understand!" He ran a hand through his hair. "You don't understand what it's like to know that if you let your emotions cloud your judgment, someone could get killed. Hell, Teal'c had to tell me three times to do something when Skaara had you and I still almost couldn't pull the trigger; and you would have been the one who paid the price for the fact I couldn't separate my feelings for one kid from what had to be done."

Daniel slowly stood and looked at him. "Jack, no one, least of all me, thinks less of you because of what happened on that ship."

"You don't, but dammit, I do!" Jack shied away from the light touch that Daniel laid on his arm. "Don't you get it, Daniel? I don't know if I can be what you want me to be."

"And what is it that you think that I want you to be?" Daniel asked carefully.

His partner blew out an explosive breath. "You want me to be all touchy-feely and open with my feelings." He spun around to face Daniel. "You want me to *talk* about what I'm feeling." His voice carried the edge of sarcasm that he couldn't control.

"No, Jack, I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do." Daniel's calm words only served to agitate Jack further.

"Bullshit, if you didn't want that, we wouldn't be discussing it, now would we?" Jack waited for Daniel to deny it again.

"What do you want me to say, Jack?" Daniel eased himself down on the sofa.

Jack looked at him and fought the urge to throw something. He swore viciously before dropping down beside Daniel. "I don't know what I want you to say. Hell, I don't know what *I* want to say. I just know that -- I just know that I don't want to lose you." His voice had dropped to a whisper.

"You won't lose me, Jack." Daniel fought the urge to touch Jack.

"You can't promise me that, Daniel. You can't promise me that you won't leave me if I can't open up to you."

"Yes, I can, because I love you."

"No, you can't." Jack sighed, struggling against the overwhelming desire to believe that it *could* be that simple. "Sometimes, love just isn't enough. I loved Sara and she loved me, but she couldn't get past the fact that I couldn't talk to her about everything going on inside of me and I'm really afraid that the same thing will happen to you."

"I'm not Sara, Jack."

Jack looked at Daniel and, for a brief moment, the sadness lifted from his eyes as he shot his lover a mischievous grin. "Oh, I know that."

A small smile in return. "You know what I mean."

Jack's grin vanished. "Yeah, I do and I still say that that's a promise you may not be able to keep." He looked at Daniel for a long, serious moment. "Can you tell me that if I can't do what you want me to that you'll be able to accept that there are some things that I can't talk to about? That I can't always tell you when something is bothering me?" Jack ran a tired hand over his eyes. "I'm not sure what to tell you at this point. I want to tell you that I'll be able to give you everything you want; but I won't lie and that's what I would be doing if I told you that."

"What exactly are you saying, Jack?"

Jack paused for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. He drew in a deep breath and slowly released it. "I guess what I'm saying is this. If I promise to do my best to let you in, will that be enough? Will you be able to live with that?" His eyes dropped away from his lover's.

Daniel sat there for a long moment before standing. "I need some air."

Jack watched him leave and wondered if he'd destroyed the best thing in his life.

***

Daniel wandered around the backyard and thought about what Jack had told him. Could he accept the fact that Jack might conceivably shut him out of certain parts of his life?

Would he be able to watch his lover destroying himself each year at the anniversaries of Charlie's and Skaara's deaths and know that he couldn't do anything to ease his pain?

He sat down on the grass near the tree line and ran his hands through the cool blades and went over in his mind all the things that Jack had told him and debated with himself.

If he couldn't accept what Jack had said, then he would lose him; that much was clear. Was his pride reason enough to destroy their relationship?

His fingers ripped at the grass beneath them as he swore softly. Dammit, it wasn't about pride. It was about watching the man he loved killing himself and not being able to stop it.

It was about not being trusted.

That thought brought him up short. Was that really his problem? That he didn't feel like Jack trusted him because he wouldn't talk about the pain he was feeling? And if lack of trust was the issue, how did he get past that?

Daniel stood abruptly and began walking towards the trees.

"Where are you going?" A soft voice asked from behind him.

Daniel turned to see Jack, who had changed into dry clothes, watching him with unreadable eyes.

"I'm not sure, like I said, I need some air."

Jack hesitated for a moment before speaking. "You're not leaving me, are you?"

Daniel had never heard that hesitant tone in Jack's voice. He shook his head slightly.

Jack released the breath he'd been holding. "I know I don't have the right to ask you not to - particularly considering how I acted earlier today, but I don't know if I can handle your leaving - especially today."

Daniel approached him hesitantly. "I don't want to leave, Jack, but I don't know what to do here. How do I help you if you won't tell me what's wrong?"

"Just being here helps me, Daniel, you don't know how much." Jack knew that wasn't the answer that Daniel was looking for, but he didn't know how to give him the right one.

"Jack, I --"

Jack held up his hand and stopped Daniel's words. "I know that loving me is hard. Hell, I'm not sure why anyone even tries." He looked at his lover with pain-filled eyes. "All I know is that losing you will destroy me." He made a disgusted motion with his hand. "Forget I said that." He turned to go back inside.

Daniel was across the distance separating them before Jack could move more than a few steps and grabbed his arm. He turned Jack around to face him. "I can't forget."

"You need to." Jack's voice was low and tormented. "Goddamn it, I don't have the right to guilt you like that." He tried to pull away, but Daniel wouldn't let him. "Let me go, please."

"I can't," Daniel repeated softly.

"Why not?" Jack's voice broke.

"Because I love you." Daniel gave a small shrug. "I'll be honest, Jack, I don't know if I can give you the space you need. It kills me to see you hurting and not be able to do anything about it. But walking away from you just isn't an option anymore." He gave a small, somewhat melancholy smile, "I'm not sure that it ever was."

Jack reached up and grasped the hand on his shoulder in a tight grip and made a decision. "Can I tell you a little about Charlie?" He felt a slight tremor in the hand he held.

"I'd like that." Daniel gave him a brighter smile than the one that had come before.

FINIS


End file.
